You wouldn’t believe how fucked up WordPress has been lately. I wrote a long post yesterday only for it to not save and then I lost it…
And I almost lost my shit, too. I mean, it’s like the site thought “Nah, mate. This is crap. Start again.” So I am.
I wanted to try video blogging. I made a video. I rambled my way through 6 minutes. I watched it back. I deleted. Seriously, I can’t stand the way I look or sound. Yet the reason why I wanted to try it is because I want to be like those girls on youtube who are funny and out-going and smart, and pretty. I’m never going to be pretty, or any of those things, but a girl can dream, right?
Also, I noticed I constantly put myself down. I just did it, see? You can tell I don’t think much of myself. I’ve never been told otherwise. When I was a kid, I didn’t have people telling me I was clever or destined for greatness, or that I’d be the Chosen One.
All jokes aside, I haven’t exactly had a very encouraging upbringing.
And it comes to this: I want to change. I just don’t know how.
I tell myself I’ve learnt to live with the way I am, but deep down I haven’t. It worries me. I don’t have a job, and I’m often torn between being ashamed of that and not really giving a fuck. I’m an Aries. So sue me. I want to be a writer, but I’ve never really had the ability to keep going even through the hard times. I tend to give up. But writing is the only thing I’m semi-good at, and most of the time I still think I’m bad at it.
I’m kind of like Cath from Fangirl. Except I never went to Uni. In the sense that, I hoped reading and writing could be my life for years to come. But I’ve been doing it for six years now and have achieved nothing.
I often feel like I’m stuck in this time warp of never moving forward. Sigh. Anyway, enough with the depressing personal stuff. Back to basics.
My goal for 2015 is to blog more. I want to review and post random stuff about books and myself or events I’ve been to. Perks started off being only book related, but I’m thinking it’s going to expand to other media things. Because there’s only so much about books one can write about. I’ve never been able to bullshit my way through posts about stuff, and I wish I could. It’s a talent that so many people have, and I’m jealous.
Now, I’d love for people to comment. Tell me your goals or if you have advice for me on how to improve my posts?
Sorry for the long rambles. Here’s to a new year!