Long time no speak, eh?
Today I kinda wanna talk about…stuff. You know. Nothing serious, just stuff that’s been bothering me of late. Such as twitter, blogging, writing, among other bits and pieces.
Mostly I’m annoyed. I have gotten, more than once, to the point where I just want to quit Twitter cold turkey. Which, I’ve tried. It’s fucking hard.
It’s not just the obnoxious hashtags and the shit people throw at others because they have an opposing opinion, it’s also that when I tweet people I think of as friends, I get no response, or when I do, it’s minimal words. And some of them are people I’ve ‘known’ online for YEARS. It’s like they couldn’t give a shit, and want me to go away. Fine. And yeah, maybe It’s a bit of a pity party I’m in right now, but occasionally I get the impression I could just delete my account and not one person would notice.
So there’s that. Like, I don’t know who’s my friend anymore. Yeah, I have maybe one other person on twitter that replies enthusiastically to me, but the others? Are we friends? I don’t know. And I HATE not knowing where I stand. These other people are more popular, cooler, have better lives than I do, and I’m back to feeling like a child wanting to fit in with the cool crowd. I know I can’t please everyone, but is it so much to be respected and acknowledged?
I’m not an attention seeker unless I’m feeling like shit, and hell, would like some one to say “hey”. Just to let me know I exist. To remind me I’m not being ignored. Because damn, it feels like that a lot.
I become the world’s most insecure person when I get ignored. Because what else are they doing if they SEE my tweets, my questions, and not responding? Ugh. I hate feeling like this. I didn’t even feel this bad at school. Probably because I knew no one liked me, so there was no point. And then when I got friends, at least I could see their reaction to me being around. Not like online social sites. You can’t SEE, you can’t HEAR, you can only READ and sometimes when someone doesn’t TWEET or type anything, it’s like…what’s the point of me trying?
I realise this post isn’t going anywhere productive, but I just wanted, needed, to rant and get things off my chest, cos when I do it on twitter, I feel even worse.
It’s also why I haven’t been blogging much lately. I also get the ‘why bother’ mood because I only seem to get any hits when it’s something ‘popular’ and that’s like…on a blog tour or something. I haven’t been writing reviews because I’ve been doing video end of month wrap ups, and y’know what, I get more of a feeling of accomplishment on youtube than anywhere else. Even if no one comments, I can see the views, and considering I’m no looker, I’m always surprised anyone watches them.
I must honestly rid of this insecurity because it’s also crossing over to my writing. No, not that I don’t think I’m any good – though I do have those moments- but when I post the chapters on Wattpad or somewhere, and get no views, it’s slightly heartbreaking. And yeah, I know it shouldn’t be, because many people don’t share their work, but I like to, I like confirmation that I’m not a total failure, and maybe that’s wrong. But I don’t care.
I can’t do things secretly, because I need that acknowledgement, that sense of ‘you’re good at what you do’ that I never used to get. And when someone says something I’ve done is good, it literally makes my day. It puts a smile on my face, and lets me know I’m not a completely waste of space.
Of course I know I shouldn’t feel this way. God knows it’s the worst thing to feel. But it’s there, always, in the back of my mind, like a disease eating away at me.
So basically, what I’m trying to say is, I hate feeling like I’m not noticed. I think I used my quota of being able to handle it back at school and college, and then I got friends online and I got maybe used to being noticed. Now…it feels like it’s going back to square one.
I don’t expect anyone to care, or feel sorry for me – cos there’s plenty of that on this end – I just wanted it out there. Like a diary. A very public diary.
p.s. reading this back really made me sad.